Food journal day 1

As of this morning when I nearly threw up my bagel, I have decided to go gluten free.

I actually hadn't known anything about what being gluten-free meant until my niece was diagnosed with a thyroid disease at 3 years-old. She can't have gluten or dairy and this last summer we just learned that her older sister has a gluten intolerance as well. Naturally my sister has learned a lot about alternative food options having to feed 2 picky young girls. She suggested that I cut gluten out of my diet, and then after 2 or 3 weeks, try it and see what the reaction is.

My first feeling was anxiety about cooking. I am not a creative cook in the slightest. If it comes in a box, it works for me. I also eat on the go a lot. I often have long work days with short meal breaks. A huge part of my job is to plan ahead so you think I could do that in the kitchen, but.... a Subway sandwich sounds better.

Fortunately, I have recently changed where I go grocery shopping. Instead of a chain store, I shop at a more local organic store. For me (and many other people, I believe) 'organic' is usually synonymous with more expensive. Well this store drew me in with a reputation of very cheap poultry, and snagged me as a new customer by showing me that organic is actually very similar to the name brand 'regular' items. It sometimes mean smaller portions and I once accidentally purchased rice cakes not knowing that they were gluten free, bit into them and wondered if they were stale. So I guess flavor can suffer. But now I can say that I don't look helplessly lost wandering up and down their narrow isles anymore and I've learned that the less flavorful organic tortillas work well with the more flavorful organic avocados and tomatoes in a wrap and stuff like that.

So that's the mind set that I'm trying to start with this new gluten-free diet. I'm nervous to try the gluten-free bread that I found (weird, huh?), but fruits, veggies, and meat are all still available and I know that even if I wasn't going gluten-free, I need to eat more veggies. So after I got home from the grocery store, I traded out my Raisin Bran for Chex, my old pasta for new pasta, etc. and then I put a pot roast in the oven with at least 10 kinds of vegetables. It was incredibly satisfying to realize that I just made something gluten-free, but also VERY healthy! (and, believe it or not, I think my husband will like it, too!!)

The other boost towards this food transformation came from a book I started reading (it was free on iBooks!) and it was called "How to lose weight without dieting" and mostly talks about portion control and really listening to your body. If you're hungry, then eat. When you're full, stop eating. Really being aware of what I'm eating is going to help me a lot now so I don't find myself reaching for my old gluten favorites.

I hope I write more as this experience continues. Here goes!

Oh yea!

One reason why I love journals is that they are always good to look back on. Even if your last post was terribly over dramatic. It's a friendly reminder that we were all crazy and weird at some point in life.

Also, it's good to remember that the future will always hold surprises for you- good and bad. You won't know when they're coming (otherwise they wouldn't be surprises!!) so might as well embrace them when they do.

p.s. I get married in 4 months and 3 weeks. Eek!

Today

Today is my birthday. I am twenty years old today, the last one in the family to leave the teenage years.

I feel old.

I know, I know twenty isn't exactly nearing retirement, but I think it's mix of my environment change and responsibility change that happened about a month ago, but now it's marked by a birthday. I really felt it yesterday. After the boys left I cleaned the house. Like, really really cleaned. And it sucked, but I did it anyway (how did my mom ever do it?), and when I got home it was a little dirty again. That made me angry- I do work and not only is it not recognized, but it's not respected. Again, how on earth did you do that for years and years, mom? So anyway, I have that job of putting forth a share of house work, or as a movie we watched in Sociology today called it, unpaid labor, as well as school and the hours and hours of more unpaid labor that I put in at the theatre.

So, again, I feel old.
But, hey, that's life and I love being twenty already.

Suddenly

Suddenly I, am in front of the lights
Everything, I'm feeling
Is scary and beautiful at the same time
And every day I try just to breathe
I want to show the whole world
The truth inside of me

Suddenly people know my name
Suddenly everything has changed
Suddenly I feel so alive
In the blink of an eye

My dreams begin to rain
Suddenly time, feels like the wind
It changes everywhere I go
I'm just trying to fit in
Now here I stand
And I'm still just that girl
I'm following my heart
In this amazing crazy world

Suddenly people know my name
Suddenly everything has changed
Suddenly I feel so alive
In the blink of an eye
Suddenly I am center stage
Suddenly I am not afraid
Suddenly I believe again
In a blink of an eye it's happening now

As my dreams begin to rain
I want to say to love me for me
What's inside
I'm gonna be positive, not run away, so much for you
This is life

Suddenly I am center stage
Suddenly I am not afraid
Suddenly I believe again
In the blink of an eye
My dreams begin to reign

Growing up. It's a hard thing to do.

I still can't quite understand how I could be so happy that things are finally going the way I want and I finally am beginning to feel like I am doing the things I want, and yet, I'm so upset by it all. I want.... I want.... I want change to be easier on me. I don't know why it's so difficult for me. I want this change. I have been wanting it for a long time, but now that it's finally here... I'm scared of it happening. I guess that's normal, right?

I'm moving into a house. My own house... with Mike... and with other people, too... but with Mike. And yet I came back to my room to think about what I should need if we get in before the end of break and what my strategy should be with the renters and housing... I'm just sitting here. I decided finally to write because that's how I figure out problems that I can't fit completely into my head, I write them out.

I learned a long long time ago that there is no guidline to life no matter what my mother tells me, but I wish there was. Not so I could follow along with it but to know that it's not just me. That I'm not crazy for wanting something so bad that... I don't.

I've been waiting so long for this moment. This moment of perfection. Whoever said that there is no such thing as perfection well you're wrong because I have found it! And I am living it right now! I love school and my now three different ares of study, I love theatre and I feel like I've really made it, I found a decent job (how many people can say that at this time in their lives?), and I have someone who loves me and who wants to spend the rest of his life with me and now we're about to share all that and finally live together!

...

And in this moment of perfection... I sit... and cry... tears of happiness, tears of fear, sadness, I don't know but I am upset about... something.

This moment tricked me. Everything feels right but I'm still not in control. I don't think I will be for a long time and I'm okay with that, but... I had the illusion of it. At least, I think I did.

Maybe... I saw, at least, the illusion of perfection of things being so right, and it was so beautiful it stunned me. I was grabbed by the arms and floated into the air beyond the gray and the clouds where there is only the sun and the moon and the perfect sky. Like the moment a plane pops out above the clouds and it looks like your right above a blanket of puff balls. Maybe that's why tears are escaping my eyes. Because I still can't deal with the beauty of it all.

That... kind of makes me feel better.

To take the philisophical stance and say that I just have to accept that I don't and will never know it all.

This was quite a strange path of thought process.
It helped.

It usually does.

Today I felt success

and it felt good. I was at the theatre for rehersal and Kristin comes up to me and said that she needs and PA and she requested me. It made me feel so good to know that after all this effort, time, and love that I have put into the theatre, it has actually made a difference. I have made an impact and it makes me feel so happy because it makes me feel like I am doing the right thing with my life by being here and doing this.

Life is a funny thing sometimes.

Random trips are the best.

Kelli and I went to California today. It was beautiful. We went to Yreka and there was like nothing there, but it was still an adventure.