Growing up. It's a hard thing to do.

I still can't quite understand how I could be so happy that things are finally going the way I want and I finally am beginning to feel like I am doing the things I want, and yet, I'm so upset by it all. I want.... I want.... I want change to be easier on me. I don't know why it's so difficult for me. I want this change. I have been wanting it for a long time, but now that it's finally here... I'm scared of it happening. I guess that's normal, right?

I'm moving into a house. My own house... with Mike... and with other people, too... but with Mike. And yet I came back to my room to think about what I should need if we get in before the end of break and what my strategy should be with the renters and housing... I'm just sitting here. I decided finally to write because that's how I figure out problems that I can't fit completely into my head, I write them out.

I learned a long long time ago that there is no guidline to life no matter what my mother tells me, but I wish there was. Not so I could follow along with it but to know that it's not just me. That I'm not crazy for wanting something so bad that... I don't.

I've been waiting so long for this moment. This moment of perfection. Whoever said that there is no such thing as perfection well you're wrong because I have found it! And I am living it right now! I love school and my now three different ares of study, I love theatre and I feel like I've really made it, I found a decent job (how many people can say that at this time in their lives?), and I have someone who loves me and who wants to spend the rest of his life with me and now we're about to share all that and finally live together!

...

And in this moment of perfection... I sit... and cry... tears of happiness, tears of fear, sadness, I don't know but I am upset about... something.

This moment tricked me. Everything feels right but I'm still not in control. I don't think I will be for a long time and I'm okay with that, but... I had the illusion of it. At least, I think I did.

Maybe... I saw, at least, the illusion of perfection of things being so right, and it was so beautiful it stunned me. I was grabbed by the arms and floated into the air beyond the gray and the clouds where there is only the sun and the moon and the perfect sky. Like the moment a plane pops out above the clouds and it looks like your right above a blanket of puff balls. Maybe that's why tears are escaping my eyes. Because I still can't deal with the beauty of it all.

That... kind of makes me feel better.

To take the philisophical stance and say that I just have to accept that I don't and will never know it all.

This was quite a strange path of thought process.
It helped.

It usually does.